On the 19th August 2022, at 48yrs old. I was diagnosed with Parkinson's, That was not supposed to happen! Six months on from that day, and having gone through every emotion possible, I find myself writing about the last 14 months.

I first noticed little signs towards the end of 2021, Getting tired more easily than normal, Occasionally feeling light headed and a slight "shake" in my right hand. Nothing to really worry about, I thought. I even put it down to the start of the Menopause, At 48 that's definitely a possibility.

As the months went by, the symptoms slowly got worse and new one's started to kick in. Aching joints in my right arm and left leg. Usually this would be all down one side. Me being me I have to be different! My writing became smaller. Steps became smaller when walking. I was developing the "Parkinson's shuffle" as I like to call it. Day to day living, all those little things that we never give a second thought too, were becoming more difficult. Every single task and movement, I had to think about before I could do it. From the minute I woke to even just trying to get to sleep. Having a shower. Washing, drying and straightening my hair. Preparing and cooking a meal. Going for a walk. All simple tasks became hard work and exhausting. No matter how tired I felt, It still took me ages to fall asleep. No sooner had I got settled then the aching in my joints would start and I'd have to move again to get comfortable, This was another thing, I couldn't just naturally roll over, I'd have to think about doing that too. It's almost like planning ahead just to move a limb.

All the time, no one knew how difficult things were getting, This was solely down to me, I was very selective about what I told people. Let me make this perfectly clear, I have the most amazing human beings around me, The sort of people you would walk over hot coals for. I knew I could turn to any one of them at any time. But I didn't. Why? It may have been denial. I was still convincing myself it was the Menopause, even though my gut instinct was telling me it was Parkinson's. Or, I just needed time for me. I'm a firm believer in helping yourself before other's can. I just needed to get there.

It became apparent that I couldn't carry on like this. This was not my idea of living a life. It was time to bite the bullet and face up to it. I was terrified of the outcome but it was better than existing like this.

I made my appointment with with my GP. She decided that because of a family member with Parkinson's it would be wise to see a Neurologist, Although she was convinced it was the Menopause. A few weeks later I had my first appointment. That day will be forever bookmarked. 

As I sat there waiting, a million thoughts going through my head, I began to wonder how much things might be about to change. This was the last few minutes running up to that. Then my name was called out and so began that few seconds walk, which felt like hours, to the Doctors office. I was greeted by a very softly spoken and warm Doctor which slightly put me at ease. After the formalities were over, it was down to business. There's a few physical tests to check rigidity and  coordination and a couple of memory one's thrown in. That is not my strong point at the best of times! Especially when given a maths test! It all seemed very basic. Now, I have to be honest, the rest of the appointment is somewhat of a blur. When I sat back in my chair I heard the immortal words, "It is Parkinson's." WTF!! I can remember just starring at the Doctor. He's got to be joking right? He's surely not talking to me? This is not happening! I swear the room got smaller. Then that burning sensation started. From your chest all the way up your throat that leads to tears. I still can't remember all the things the Doctor said that day, There was one thing that did draw my attention. He was explaining the side effects of the medication. This is not something to make light of. However, this is me, and for anyone who knows me they will understand where I'm coming from. One of the more serious side effects is excessive behaviour. Gambling was the Doctors chosen subject. So when I first got my meds I made sure I read that leaflet thoroughly. Sure enough there it was in black and white. "The inability to resist the impulse to perform an action that could be harmful, which may include:"

   - Gambling

   - Increased sexual interest and behaviour.

   - Uncontrollable excessive shopping or spending

   - Binge eating

I am by no means making light of addiction. These are serious issues. It's just that I have always had a penchant for all of the above. Apart from gambling. So much so that when I told family and friends these side effect, their response was, "well how will we know the difference?"

Back to my appointment. I did not go alone. My Mum came with me. I did choose to go into the appointment on my own. Now, I faced another challenge. How does a child tell a parent that they have Parkinson's? No matter how old you are, you are always their little girl or boy. It's just not the natural order of things. I was still in shock myself and then so was my Mum. We talked and cried. It would be like this for a good few days as we tried to process it all. I know how lucky I am to have a Mum like mine. You just can't buy that. It's priceless.

Where do I begin with the range of feelings and emotions that follow life altering news like that? I'll put it into 2 categories of questions I asked myself. The trivial and The big one's.  

   The Trivial:

     - How will I put my eyeliner on?

     - Will I spill my drink?

     - Will I still be able to bust some moves? Although I danced like an arse before Parkinson's!

   The Big One's:

     - Why me? This Shouldn't be happening. Not yet anyway.

     - Will I lose my independence?

     - Will I have to give up my job?

     - What sort of an Aunty will I be to my little Nephew.

     - Will I ever be in a relationship? Could someone love me enough to take on the uncertainty of Parkinson's? 

My head felt like it had a tornado whirling round in it. I had to find a way to come to terms with it. I had a low point a few years ago where I decided to go for counselling. This wasn't because of the severity of how I was feeling but because of how long it went on for. I know my own mind and body well enough to know when I need help. I knew it was time to take action to avoid going down that rabbit hole. I had to be logical. And then, there it was. The game changer. I'm not going to die from Parkinson's. It dies with you (a line I've borrowed from the series The Suspect with the delightful Aiden Turner)! That is a huge thing. I don't have that to face. By this time I was on my meds and they were making an enormous difference. That is bitter sweet. Great that they work but it confirms the fact that I have Parkinson's. Anyway, I can't change the diagnoses but I can start living my life again, First things first. I have to tell people. How do I explain this? My Brother and his family were next to know. I'm 6yrs older than my Brother and even though he's a grown man with a family of his own, I am still his big Sis. Fiercely protective. Telling him absolutely sucked! Hated it. There were plenty of tears and lots of hugs. More importantly, the invaluable support of my Brother and his family. And the answer to one of the "Big One's." I'll still be the same crazy Aunty Claire.

I absolutely hate Parkinson's for the hurt that it causes. Not me but to the people I care and love. I could kick it's ass for that. There is not one first look or wobble in a voice that I will forget when telling family and friends. Through all that comes unconditional love and support, lots of tears and even more laughter. I've had cards. Links for wine glasses with lids so I won't spill my drink and a Bobble Head of our late Queen. More to do with being a strong women than the well known Parky symptom. A Bobble Head to this Parkinson's bird is bloody hilarious! But most of all I've had hugs {more than I can count}! Love, support and positivity in abundance. That means more to me than anything. I am one very lucky bird.

After my first appointment, an MRI followed and one more appointment with my Neurologist. The MRI was all clear. Parkinson's doesn't show up on scans. It's just to confirm there's nothing else wrong. And yes, It confirmed I do have a brain!  Although I did say that some might contest it.

So then there was only one more hurdle. For 29yrs I have been Cabin Crew. When everything else was starting to fall into place, was I about to have the rug pulled from underneath me? No matter how much crew moan, and boy can we moan, we still do this job for years. And are determined to go out on our own terms. For me, settling down has never been a priority. I've never been married. Didn't want kids. Don't even want my own house. Staying in one place for long periods of time petrifies me. 5 months on furlough is the longest I've been in one place in 29yrs. That was long enough! So no matter what, this lifestyle suits me. I just needed to get through the assessment with Occupational Health. The day before there was a lot of pacing around the house and even more tears. I will not be going into the details but it was very thorough. It has to be. I was given the all clear and yes, I cried again! 

I made the decision to be honest with my Manager even though I'm under no obligation to disclose any details. This job can be very unforgiving both physically and mentally. I've seen crew half my age struggle on that first 10 hour night flight! For me, I needed to know that I have that support there if and when I need it. It's just one less thing to worry about. And that support is there. Most of all I need the Crew. We're a rare bread. So is our humour! Once crew, always crew. I need that more than ever. If you know, you know. 

My first trip back felt like a milestone for me. Meds working. No appointments or scans to think of. What a relief. For the first time in a long time I felt at ease and like I'd got my life back. Needless to say I made the most of that trip! In true Wing style.

So where does all this leave me now? I could go on about living in the present. Seize the day. After all, I can't change the past and I can't control the future. No matter how hard we try to plan ahead, life can take us down a different path or even throw the shit stick at us. I will, of course, take that holiday, experience new things, spend time with loved one's and all that my heart wants me to do. But lets not get too "fluffy" with this. The reality may not be so forgiving. Parkinson's progression is slow. It could be years before my symptoms get worse or new one's appear. And then who knows what medication will be out there. It's all unknown. I'm sure there will be days again where I will be angry. Where I will cry and where I will feel scared. This is where my resilience will kick in. To me, resilience isn't just about facing those tough times head on. It's about allowing myself to feel angry, hurt, upset and scared. This is not the time to bury my head in the sand and let life pass me by. I have a life to live.

So begins a new relationship with the one called Parkinson's. As we walk side by side, know this. You can throw anything my way and I will always find a way through it. You are a part of my life but you do not and will not define me. I am still Claire Wing. I'm just a little more bat shit crazy!